Not that it's the first time it happened but it's the first time in a long time and I've been feeling especially sensitive lately.
I can't remember if I was in a twist or a foward fold or maybe something more elaborate like a reverse triangle. It was likely a forward fold because I had time to really feel her touch my fat rather than focusing on not losing my balance.
Out of the corner of my eye I see the teacher walking over to me and I know she is coming to adjust me, which in almost any other posture I would welcome with an open heart but today, of all fucking days, she slides her hand between my thigh and my torso and I immediately feel my cheeks turn pink and my face go numb. Barely a few seconds but enough for me to have a trillion little shame thoughts bubble up and wondering if she too is judging me and my soft stomach. What is more likely is that I was the only one judging anyone because i know very well that when I go to adjust a student, I could give a fuck about their soft or flat stomach, smooth or cushy thighs, slim or thick arms — I only care about guiding, assisting, releasing, adjusting.
I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I've never been extremely or even unhealthily overweight (except that one time in my early twenties for about 8 months, it was pretty close) but I've also never had a flat stomach. Ever. I don't even know what it would feel like to not have a layer of soft wrapped around my torso like a down-filled blanket except somehow less comforting.
After all these fucking years of hating, self-loathing, trying, failing, trying again I finally feel so tired of of it all. Done with the energy I give to wishing I had a different body or the repulsion I feel after every meal that is less than healthy or the discomfort I feel around women who are thinner than me. It's totally fucking ridiculous and it doesn't even suit my personality. It's a garbage way to be and a shitfuck way to treat myself when in every other part of my life I quite like myself.
I also quite like beer and nachos and mac and cheese and every kind of ice cream. It's a battle that I face each and everyday but I feel that perhaps I'm starting to win this one because I am really (finally) getting to a place of not giving a good god shit about gaining or losing. I simply want to be in my skin, soft and cushy or lean and strong, doesn't even matter.
And although these words may not seem related to my work and my creativity, I will be the first to announce that yes, it has everything to do with it because how I feel about myself (my physical self included) directly translates to how I feel about my work and art. It sets the tone for everything I do. Healthy body, healthy mind, happy soul, happy work. And all of that, to me, is about allowing myself to be creative.
With love and gratitude...
Thanks for the visit.