I just noticed the date of my last post. How often do you read a blog post where the author apologizes for taking too much time between posts? Or makes a claim about how time passed too quickly between days and nights and work and life? How many times have I been the culprit of these time eating claims? Admittedly, I have been thinking about writing here almost every day since April 29 (date of last post). Thinking is not doing.
We've finally settled into our new home in our new city. And by settled I mean we've unpacked most boxes but continue to live in a mild state of chaos. I have multitudes of loose ends cluttering my mind's to-do list, which inevitably get drown out by the immediate tasks at hand: open box, unpack box, groan over how much seemingly unnecessary shit I have, stumble around the mess on the floor looking for a place to put unnecessary shit, find a place for it with weak intentions to one day find a better place for it, move on to next box. Unfortunately for me, I cannot function in any human way if there is mess or clutter within a 10 meter radius of my brain, except for the clutter that lives inside my brain. Totally different.
What is also unfortunate for me is that I leave for New York in less than two weeks. Very little time to do all the creative and important things my weak intentions planned to do in the time between arriving and departing again. Let's get serious, there is nothing unfortunate about my life. Although, the unwanted stress I'm experiencing has pretty much become a normal state of affairs around here. The shop was supposed to re-open today and, as you may or may not have noticed, it's still closed. Stress.
I've decided to stay in NYC for six weeks instead of the initial three. I'll be taking a class, attending a conference and walking a trade show. Cat sitting for the first three weeks, let's not forget. Sounds like a summer for the books, right? It will be, I have no doubt. What to do about the shop and the business while I'm away has been nipping at my heart for weeks now. I'm still undecided. Do I keep the shop open with a limited collection of items? Do I close it and focus on creating new work while absorbing the inspiration that is New York City? Do I create a couple of summer projects/challenges that I commit to posting here so that y'all can follow along?
OR!! All of the above??
I will make a decision before Monday next week. You, all six readers of my blog, will be the first to know. There has been a lot of decision making in our life these months and days. The house with the backyard or the house with the garage? The couch with the tufting or the couch with the cushions? Black table, wood table. Silver, gold. Upstairs or downstairs. Expensive or cheap. Over here or over there. To the left, to the right. Does anyone else find constant decision making exhausting? I get that life is mostly made of small decisions, or choices, each day but I mean those times in your lives when you need to make decisions all day, everyday about one thing. In our case, it has been about the move. I want to go back to deciding if I want yogurt or toast for breakfast.
It's the constant state of beginning that I find exhausting. That is the truth. It's been over two years since I've had any semblance of grounding or growing. Yes, we hope we are always growing but what happens when we're always beginning? New beginnings are truly a blessing, I know, and I have been over the moon excited for this one. There is no complaining about all the goodness that is life these days, only admitting that I am exhausted by the journey. I'm exhausted by what feels like a constant state of starting new, which sounds heretical given that we are reminded daily via social media that new beginnings are blessings and we shouldn't be afraid to start something new. If you Google image 'new beginning' you will be assaulted with social media appropriate quotes to last you at least a decade. It's not that I don't value the sentiment, it's that something can only be precious if it is rare. And in my life as of late (three years), it's been all beginning stuff and not a lot of middle stuff. I'm ready to be in the middle. I've got the starting something new thing down to an art.
A summer in New York can only be a wonderful time, I'm sure. I wish I could say that I look forward to the party but I'm mostly looking forward to finding a bit of a routine; to waking up alone with a cat and a coffee, having no agenda for the day except to write, create and walk, looking up at the buildings and down at my toes, people watching, gallery hopping, celebrity sighting (T. Swift, I'm lookin at you!).
It's perfect timing in that I've been longing for quiet. Because a new beginning is a time of transformation and change, it's naturally chaotic. As much as I will miss my cute, cute husband this summer, right now I miss solitude. The kind that refuels you, recharges your heart and your bones. The kind that licks your face awake and insists you cuddle for a little while longer. The kind where you wake up and get right to work and it doesn't even ask you to stop for a breath. Where you can walk for an entire day, save your voice for another and fall asleep in the comfort the empty space around you. And perhaps all I will need is a week or two of total, silent bliss until the party in me is ready for a shaker, but for now, solitude is what I look forward to.
Now that my studio space in the new house is mostly set up (I have a table in front of a window with a chair and a lamp), I can get to work again. This space is beyond beautiful, barely set up, I already want to spend all my time here. And although the work may be fragmented or disconnected, it's a good start for a new beginning. And beginning is what I'm doing, again.